


I'm Not Him

by kellebelle



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel (Movies)
Genre: Are they dating?, Are they friends?, Gen, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, I Don't Even Know, I have no idea what I'm doing, If it sounds like they're dating then they probably are, Just use your imagination, M/M, Steve Is a Good Bro, Steve writes a letter in return, This could qualify as pre-slash, Tony Feels, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony/Steve relationship sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-14
Updated: 2014-02-03
Packaged: 2017-12-23 10:45:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/925452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kellebelle/pseuds/kellebelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony writes Steve a letter that he'll never show to Steve. Ever. Probably won't ever show to Steve.</p><p>Steve finds the letter a few months later and replies.</p><p>(This was supposed to be a one-shot, but someone wanted to see Steve's reaction to the letter, so I finally decided to post one almost six months later. Procrastinator for life.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This came from the ask meme on tumblr "Tell me what my muse means to yours" and this fic came out of it. This is more or less Tony's very roundabout way of telling Steve what their relationship (friendship, maybe romantic if you squint) means to him.
> 
> One shot. (Okay I lied about that part)
> 
> I apologize for any OOCness of Steve. While I try to get inside his head, the truth is that I can't get a grasp on him the same way I do Tony.

Dear Steve,

I’m not Howard.

For a long time I was pissed off at you because I was a Stark, just not the one you were looking for. 

When I was growing up, my dad talked about you a lot. And I mean all the time. The stories were always “Captain America was a real hero, an amazing human being, one of the best people I’ll have ever have had the good fortune of knowing.” That’s a pretty big deal when you’re five and a half and want nothing more than to meet someone so larger than life.

It stopped being so awesome when I became a teenager.

When I was a child, I wanted to be just like you. When I was a teenager I realized I would never be anything like you, and that I’d never be the person Howard really wanted me to be.

I was the son Howard was burdened with. Being like you could have possibly made my lot in life a little easier if I could just get dear old dad to talk about me the way he always doted on you. I spent most of my young life competing with a ghost.

If Howard had been given the choice, it would have been you. It has always been you.

I wasn’t you, I wasn’t like you. I was always Anthony Edward Stark and never Steven Grant Rogers, the greatest man Howard Stark ever knew. I wasn’t who he wanted me to be.

And I guess that brings me to my point.

I’m not Howard. When I met you, you were looking for traces of Howard and instead you got me. The only thing I really share with Howard would be his looks and the whole alcoholic genius thing. So I suppose that’s a big thing. I guess.

I wasn’t who you were looking for when we met, and I felt like I was reliving my childhood all over again. I was never the brave and upstanding human being you were and I’m not the...whatever the hell Howard was before he became my father. Sometimes I wonder if his change was my fault. He wanted a legacy, he just didn’t want to do the part where he had to raise it himself.

Howard never wanted me because I was who I am, and you were disappointed to meet a man who seemingly brought shame to the Stark name. I wasn’t perfect enough and I was too abrasive on the other end.

They tell you that you should never meet your heroes because they are always going to let you down.

Ironically enough, meeting you made me hate myself a little less. I mean come on, it’s not like I’ll ever stop doing that, but realizing how perfectly imperfect you are was a breath of fresh air. I’ve gotten to know the real you. I mean, I suppose I’ll always be a little pissed off that even at my most perfect (I mean look at me, no wait don’t because this is you I’m talking to) I was still never able to measure up to you.

Sometimes I feel like you look at me and you genuinely like me for Tony and not for being Howard’s son.

Howard is gone and I’m what’s left.

You’re still here though.

And I suppose what I’m really trying to say is...

You’re still here and that means more to me than I’ll ever verbally admit. To anyone. Probably even you.

\--Tony


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve finds Tony's letter a few months later and has a reply of his own.

Dear Tony,

 

I could probably throttle you for how hard you are on yourself, but I feel I owe it to you to say this once.

 

When I first met you, I was disappointed to see that you were nothing like Howard. You were and still are disobedient, disrespectful and completely reckless. You were more concerned with doing your own thing and that frustrated me. Then I realized I was being unfair to you because what I was really looking for was that last link that allowed me to hold onto someone from my past.

 

Your father and I were never close. Not in the same way that Bucky and I were close. That’s not to say that we were not friends, but to think that he would choose me over you sounds almost ridiculous.

 

It’s weird how you manage to learn certain truths about a person. The Howard I did know was nothing like the Howard you described, and the one thing I never would have wanted was for someone to feel less important in the world because of me. That’s exactly what I was against. I was always fighting for the little guy, but I’m not perfect. I made plenty of mistakes along the way, but I did what I did because I knew it was the right thing for me to do.

 

A part of me wishes I could go back and give Howard a piece of my mind, but you wouldn’t be the man you are today, and that’s the man I care for the most. If Howard was truly as magnificent as everyone believed, then there’s no doubt in my mind he would have picked you over me, if such an idea ever came up. I’d have picked you over me. Hands down.

 

I can’t get angry with you for being disobedient because disobedience is what got me into the SSR program in the first place. I also made several reckless calls.

 

You’re more than a product of Howard’s genes though. You are a giant, Tony Stark. You stand out from the rest because you made sure everyone noticed you. You changed yourself, made yourself, and above all, you always try to do the right thing. There was no way you could have ever been like me. The world was always waiting for someone like you.

 

Always be true to yourself. Howard was a blind idiot not to see what an amazing person he had helped bring into this world. You are one in a million, Tony, and I’m glad you’re the one I ended up with in the end. Howard might have been a good friend, but he’s nothing compared to what you are today.

 

And I will never abandon you.

 

Yours,

Steve

 

PS-I thought you’d know better than to leave handwritten letters in such easy to find places.

PPS-Everything I said is true though.


End file.
